


My Greatest Fear

by moonbeambucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fear, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 11:38:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16722633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbeambucky/pseuds/moonbeambucky
Summary: An enemy brings your greatest fears to life. And on a mission with Bucky, he unexpectedly faces his own.





	My Greatest Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Written on tumblr for supersoldierslover Taw’s 4k Writing Challenge Celebration. My prompt was “You can keep pretending that it didn’t happen and keep avoiding me, but I can’t do it anymore.”

It was supposed to be an easy mission. The abandoned facility had been cleared by the Avengers. Former Hydra scientists, Doctors Markus and Klaus were taken captive. They were conducting experiments, trying to manipulate DNA with a crude version of what they considered to be their own super soldier serum, hoping they could enhance existing cells and unlock powers from within.

When the facility was breached by the Avengers the doctors attempted to wipe their computers, setting fire to any hard copy documents and unfortunately slitting the throats of the remaining test subjects, most of them innocent individuals who were taken off the streets by a ruse. SHIELD came in afterwards to retrieve what they could. Not everything was burned and they managed to get back some of the files but they knew there was more to recover and no matter how much they tried they couldn’t access it. That’s when you were called in.

It was nice to hear from your old SHIELD team and to be honest you missed them a lot. They were your family and you truly felt like you had a place with them. You were reluctantly transferred to The Avengers, which was everyone’s dream but yours. It was intimidating being around the super soldiers and other people with enhanced capabilities.

The only thing super about you was your mind. Binary was practically your second language. There wasn’t a program you couldn’t hack. No matter how hard someone worked to erase or hide files you worked even harder to get them back and you always did.

You’ve been with the Avengers team for a few months and it wasn’t great. With your old team everybody got along fairly quickly, you knew each other’s quirks, jokes were always lighthearted. Now you felt out of place, a stranger thrown in to the middle of a big happy family. You knew who everybody was but you didn’t know them, so to be greeted by Tony Stark’s quips or Sam Wilson’s loud presence was a little off putting.

Steve Rogers did his best to try and welcome you but it didn’t help. Every night you felt uncomfortable, like you were walking on eggshells with everyone. You knew it was pretty standard to tease the new person, a way of breaking them in but you hated it. Maybe you were too sensitive or maybe they really resented having you on the team.

Natasha Romanoff was on an extended mission, Bruce Banner left on sabbatical, too many years as his alter ego left him in dire need of some time alone with his smaller self again and Clint Barton was missing though no one would tell you why; they were obviously keeping a secret which is fine, everyone has them, including you.

You hated feeling like an outsider, not that you really made an effort to fit in, and you certainly weren’t trying to replace anybody. If you were called back to SHIELD you’d be racing out of here. You missed the B team.

It was Wanda Maximoff who approached you one night, sensing your vibes thanks to her own special abilities. She let you know about her own rocky experience when she joined the team, helping you understand that for however long you were going to be with the team that you needed a friend and she was right.

You eased your way into becoming friendlier with everyone, greeting them first and attempting small talk. It was going pretty well with all but one person, James Buchanan Barnes. Like you Bucky was similarly quiet, except when he and Sam got into it, and then when Peter Parker came around they would gang up on him like nothing you’ve ever seen. Poor kid.

Wanda loved to cook so she insisted you help her, believing it would be a good opportunity to reintroduce yourself to everyone at dinner. You were cutting up vegetables as she placed a large pot of water on the stove. Turning the knob you heard the clicking sound of the igniter followed by the whoosh of blue flames come up from the burner. You took a step back, sliding your cutting board down to the far end of the countertop and hoping Wanda didn’t notice.

Halfway through cooking she needed to grab more items from the pantry, asking if you would stir the pasta. Taking the wooden spoon you carefully moved the pasta around, ensuring nothing got stuck to the bottom of the pot. The sound of footsteps shuffling beside you pulled you from your focused task. It was Bucky, opening the refrigerator without so much as glancing your way.

You and Bucky did not get along. Well, it was hard to say considering he never spoke to you, like ever. Any time you enter a room you would catch him staring at you with a weird look on his face. When your eyes would meet he quickly left, sometimes with Steve following after him. You have no idea what you’ve done to him but clearly Bucky didn’t like you.

Normally this wouldn’t bother you, you were never one to go out of their way needing to be friends with everyone. The situation with Bucky was different because you had a crush on him. It was easy, with his gorgeous blue eyes, his plush pink lips that stood out against the dark stubble that peppered his face. He was so handsome and his laugh– every time you were lucky enough to hear that beautiful sound it made you melt.

You were stuck in a trance as you ogled him, unaware that the water had begun to boil, the water rising and threatening to spill over the pot. It wasn’t until a few spurts of water hit the fire that your attention was brought back to the stove. The flames sizzled up the pot and you jumped back with a loud gasp.

Suddenly it felt hard to breathe, you tried to take in air but your lungs wouldn’t have it. You were instantly sweaty, clutching your chest and desperate to leave. With shaky legs you ran towards your room, passing a concerned Wanda on the way. Bucky tended to the stove, wondering what just happened.

Back in your room you turned on the shower and stripped your clothes off, stepping under the cold stream of water. It was freezing but you didn’t mind, you preferred it actually. It was the fastest way you’ve learned to handle your panic attacks, the coldness instantly calming the nerves that burned under your skin.

You moved your body under the shower faucet, making sure every inch coated with the ice water. When your breaths finally calmed down you stepped out, wrapping yourself in a towel and laid on the bed. You looked down at your right arm and the rigid scars that covered it, the reason for your panic attack.

You were seven years old when the fire started, quickly burning through your home destroying everything in its wake, including your parents. You tried to open a window to escape but it was jammed so you hid in a closet, screaming and crying as the bright orange narrowed its distance between you. The fire department came just in time for your rescue and you left your home for the last time with second degree burns on your arm and a crippling fear of fire.

You joined everyone afterwards, they already begun eating, unsure if you were joining them. Wanda wasn’t the only one who sensed your saddened mood. You didn’t see Bucky narrow his eyes towards you as you dejectedly served yourself food. You were glad neither he or Wanda brought up what happened earlier.

You were embarrassed, chastising yourself for not paying attention to the stove. What if the flames burned you again? You shuddered at the thought. You were in your own world during dinner, thinking about your past and you hated it. Every day you lived with a constant reminder on your arm, but you chose to cover yourself in long sleeves, otherwise, hiding your ugliness so you could make it through the day.

One day Sam started joking with you, wondering why you wore long sleeves in the summer heat. He tried to think of different reasons, teasing that maybe you had a metal arm like Bucky. The more he joked you felt the beginnings of a panic attack coming on, and instead of asking him to drop the subject you retreated to your room. It wasn’t the best way to handle the situation but you weren’t ready to open up to them about this. He never asked again and eventually you became friendlier with him.

You fell into a routine of training with everyone, except Bucky who refused to work with you. It didn’t help your crush, somehow the more he stayed away it amplified your need to see him. You were desperate to tell Wanda about how your felt but chose not to. Perhaps she was able to sense it though because somehow on your very first mission Bucky Barnes had been chosen to accompany you.

All you were doing was retrieving some electronic information, you didn’t need backup but you didn’t have much choice and so you and Bucky were sent to the abandoned facility.

You entered through a heavy metal door with streaks of rust running down it, the loud creaking of the old door opening echoed through the halls. With your guns up you roamed through the empty building until you found your destination. A flickering light illuminated the stairs that led you to the basement where the main computer was.

You swallowed a gulp, pushing down any nerve wracking thoughts about what scary movies have taught you when it comes to basements. You briefly wondered why you were doing this instead of putting your skills to use for a tech company until you remembered, the US Government doesn’t take it lightly when someone hacks into their system, even if you were only twelve. The actions of your youth dictated your future line of work, instead of jail you went to the Academy, moving across all organizations until you were with SHIELD and now “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.”

A chill ran through your spine as you entered the unpleasantly cold room but you pulled up a chair and got straight to work. You laughed at how easy it was for you to crack the encryption, quickly unlocking the files; images of the unwilling participants and footage of the experiments downloaded to a flash drive. Bucky said nothing as he watched your back and you couldn’t take it anymore.

“What’s your problem?” you asked, as your fingers pressed against the keyboard furiously.

Bucky grunted in response. What a jerk! Why do you even like this guy? He doesn’t have the decency to even speak to you which only frustrated your more.

“You have a problem with me, why?”

Your question caught him off guard. Bucky thought about his response, trying to formulate the right words. He wasn’t the best at expressing himself with women, not anymore. The confident man who left before the war died when he fell off the train.

Bucky was too lost in thought to sense the slight change in the atmosphere and suddenly both of you were knocked out by an invisible force.

***

There was a dull ache at the back of your neck from being slumped forward. Slowly you picked up your heavy head trying to get your bearings. You were still sitting on your chair but it wouldn’t budge. Computer wires were tied around your body and though you should have been able to break free of them you couldn’t. Every time you tried to wiggle your wrists it felt like glass was cutting into them.

Bucky was similarly seated but with steel beams contorted around his body to keep him restrained. You shared a concerned look with each other but before you could speak a hazy cloud of grey appeared before you with a woman emerging from it.

She was abnormally tall and thin, her cheek bones jutting out at sharp angles. Her skin was a sickly grey, as if all life had drained from it. Her voice was deep and gritty and the sound of it made your heart race even more.

She questioned where everyone was, assuming you and Bucky had something to do with the empty building. She pointed an accusing finger towards him, her digits reaching out like wiry spider legs. That’s when you noticed the tattoo on her wrist, a blue rose. You remembered it from a file you recovered; Judith Morgan, a homeless woman diagnosed with tuberculosis. Whatever they did to her worked, she clearly had enhanced abilities.

After Bucky told her the doctors had been captured she was enraged. She waved her hand into a fist, pulling the air out of his lungs as he gasped for breath.

“Judith!” you yelled, and she whipped her head around glaring an angry face towards you. “We can help you,” you pleaded with her.

She smiled wickedly, “Oh I’ve already been helped and now you want to take my gifts away from me! I won’t let you! You fear my power.”

Your eyes found Bucky’s again, silently wondering how you would get out of these bindings.

“I’ll show you fear!” she hissed.

Judith pressed her palm against your forehead, burning cold against your skin as Bucky screamed in the background for her to stop. Blistering pain radiated throughout your head as you squirmed in your seat trying to break away from her touch but it was no use.

“Ahhh,” she smiled, after letting you go.

Judith raised her palms up bringing flames with them. A bright orange blaze climbed up the walls and your lip trembled at the sight of them. She glided over towards Bucky who watched you stare at the flames in horror, trying his best to push against the metal that confined him.

Repeating her actions with Bucky she pulled her hand off his head, “How interesting.”

Judith smirked at Bucky, making a large wave with her hand before she disappeared in cloud of smoke.

Bucky watched as the flames drew closer and you cried out. Tears flowed steadily down your cheeks as you tried to push against the rope, your chest huffing and puffing, and then you screamed and the sound shot right through him.

Bucky has heard his fair share of screams, playful ones from the girls he took on the Cyclone at Coney Island, excited ones like when Steve would surprise Sharon with a bouquet of flowers and scared ones, from mostly everyone he’s faced in the years he spent as Hydra’s greatest assassin. The sound that came out of you was unlike anything he ever heard; it was terror, pure unfiltered fear. The fact that you might die didn’t scare you, how it was going to happen did.

Bucky inhaled a few times, blowing air roughly through his nostrils as he braced himself. He tensed his whole body, pushing against the metal beams. Taking a quick moment to collect himself he did it again, pushing with all of his might only to find a little bit of movement in return.

Flames engulfed the wall behind you and even Bucky could feel the extreme heat from the other side of the room. You took tearful gulps of breath in between screams and his heart shattered. Bucky braced himself again, flexing his body, forcing himself to fight back against the steel surrounding. He grunted through the pain, every muscle exhausted until he finally made enough distance between himself to free his metal arm.

Quickly he ripped off the rest of his constraints and ran towards you, snapping the wires from your body with his metal hand, scooping you into his arms as he raced up the stairs and out of the building. In any other circumstance you would have been overcome with joy, with Bucky’s strong arms around you, pressing you into his firm chest. Instead you could only feel pain, reliving the trauma of your childhood.

When you were a far enough distance away Bucky placed you down gently, watching your body become small as you curled your knees into your chest and sobbed. He wanted to hug you, to wrap you in his arms and never let go. He wanted you to know things would be okay but he felt stupid. You were right, Bucky did have a problem with you, but it wasn’t what you thought and after what you just went through he wasn’t going to bring it up.

Bucky stood over you silently, waiting until the sobs stopped wracking through your body, easing into a more manageable flow of tears.

“Y/N,” he softly spoke, “A-are you okay?”

Pushing yourself up from the ground you wiped your hands on your thighs, silently getting into the car without responding.

The ride back to the compound was quiet, Bucky kept glancing your way, feeling terrible as he saw you lean against the window, your eyes shut, with silent tears streaming down your face. When you made it back to the compound you sped towards your room, pushing past everyone. Your vision was blurred from tears, you weren’t even sure who you were ignoring but you couldn’t see any one, not after what happened.

Kicking your shoes off you went straight into bed, wrapping yourself in the blanket, needing to feel secure. It was too late for a cold shower, something that only works in the moment to calm you down. You were way past a panic attack, tonight was a full-fledged war and you lost.

Despite how exhausted you felt you couldn’t go to sleep, not when anxious thoughts plagued your mind. Whatever those scientists did to Judith they created a monster. When she touched your head she knew you deepest fear and used it against you.

Worst of all, Bucky was right there and when she touched him she conjured nothing. No spiders, clowns or even a Hydra agent. Bucky had no fears. You were so embarrassed, crying like a baby, crying like you were that little girl hiding in the closet again.

The next morning you stayed in bed, rolling over every time you woke up. You didn’t want to get up and face everyone. Bucky had definitely briefed everyone on what happened, needing to explain why you failed what should have been a simple mission. You couldn’t face anybody, let alone him.

It was the late afternoon when you got out of bed, taking a long cool shower to calm your nerves and wash away the smell of ash. Changing into sweatpants and a tank top you stared at your arm in the mirror, resenting the marks on your arm. Grabbing a sweatshirt you zipped it up and took a deep breath. You could no longer deprive your stomach from food.

Wanda was watching TV in the common room but upon hearing your footsteps she ran towards you, wrapping her arms around you.

“I’m okay,” you half smiled, making eye contact with the rest of the people in the room except Bucky.

You resented him, the fearless soldier. He probably told everyone how you instantly panicked. You didn’t deserve to be on this team. You wanted to leave, go back to your team with SHIELD. You’d get over your crush, Bucky would never see you as anything more than the hysterically crying baby you were.

Over the next week you mostly stayed in your room, with Wanda stopping in to bring you food and Sam tagging along every now and then to check in on you. Tony left some tech for you to play with, figured if you were holed up in your room you might as well exercise your mind. Steve stopped by too and it made you feel awkward, knowing how close he was to Bucky.

Tony let you know that everyone was headed out on a mission and finally you felt like you could breathe again. Taking off your hoodie you let yourself enjoy walking around the compound in a t-shirt and shorts, heading to gym for a long overdue workout.

Starting up the treadmill you placed a towel over the display and began a brisk walk, searching for the right songs on your playlist to keep you motivated before you increased the speed to run. It felt good to sweat everything out. Heading back to your room you were lost in the music of your favorite song not realizing that Bucky Barnes was standing outside your door.

“Shit!” you gasped, dropping your water bottle on the floor as you scrambled to use the towel to cover your burned skin.

“I’m sorry Y/N. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Your heart was racing again, staring at Bucky who  _absolutely_ saw your arm. He wasn’t supposed to be here, you internally whined. You didn’t know what to say, wishing you never left you room and so you attempted to move past him to get there again.

“Y/N please we need to talk about the mission,” Bucky begged.

Bucky, the man who has only spoken to you in annoyed grunts, all of a sudden needs to talk? Right.

“ **You can keep pretending that it didn’t happen and keep avoiding me, but I can’t do it anymore.** ” There was defeat laced in his voice but hearing his words only made you angrier.

“You can’t do what Bucky? You’re the one who’s always avoided me! You never made any attempts to talk to me, Steve had to introduce you ‘cause you couldn’t be bothered to do it yourself. You leave the room when I’m there but now because  _you_ want to talk and I’m not around you expect me to listen? No. It doesn’t work like that!” you fumed, your nostrils flaring as you exhaled shorts puffs of breath.

“I’m sorry. I…” he paused, rubbing the back of his neck. “Look I wanted to talk about what happened when,” he cleared his throat uncomfortably, “When, we uh…”

“Oh you want to talk about when Frankenstein’s Monster brought my fear to life for your entertainment?”

“It’s not like that doll, I…”

You cut him off again, not wanting to hear anything more from him. You were going to say your peace and leave, leave this conversation and this team! “What then Bucky? What could you possibly have to say to me? You, the man without fear, huh?!”

You glared at him, studied his face for an answer, angrily pouting as while watching his features drop. “You’re wrong. She knew my greatest fear.”

Your head cocked with confusion, there was nothing else in the room, just you and the fire.

“I don’t understand…”

Bucky ran his hands through his hair, inhaling deeply before he spoke. “I don’t hate you, I never have I just couldn’t… couldn’t build up the courage to talk to ya.”

Bucky shifted his weight on his feet, looking everywhere but your eyes. He was embarrassed, he was a grown man, a 100 year old man, and he couldn’t even speak to you. Every time he tried he got nervous, his insecurities getting the best of him, making him believe he wasn’t worth someone like you.

He was stupid, admittedly, falling for you from afar. He knew there was more to you than your quiet demeanor and he wanted to find it. On that day when you panicked over the pasta he knew there was something you were hiding, and when Sam teased you about your sleeves he had his guesses.

“When she touched my head she saw what I feared.” You motioned your head, silently waiting for his answer. “Losing you,” he sighed. “That’s my greatest fear.”

You mouth opened but no words came out. You never thought Bucky felt that way about you.

“I know we really haven’t spoken but I want to change that. I want you to know me for who I really am. I want you to know how much you mean to me and how these,” he hesitantly reached towards the towel draped over your arm.

Your body tensed up but for some reason you didn’t stop him. Bucky pulled the towel back, exposing the marred skin, full of puckered ridges and deep pits.

His metal hand gently caressed your scarred flesh, “These don’t define you.”

The coldness of his hand against your skin made you feel secure, like the showers you would take during a panic attack, he had an instant calming effect over you.

Your eyes found Bucky’s gentle smile and the look of genuine affection sparkling in the blue of his eyes. You couldn’t help but shed a few tears, seeing him accept every inch of your blemished skin. You didn’t know how Bucky had come to care for you that much but that was the last day both of you hid.

After a much needed shower you and Bucky spent the rest of the day together getting to know each other. By the time the team had returned they were shocked at what they found. You were on the couch together, nuzzling your head against Bucky’s chest, with his arm wrapped around your shoulder and your scarred arm stretched across his stomach.

While you would always be uncomfortable around fire, neither you or Bucky would ever have to fear the feelings you had for each other.


End file.
